When some days are just so hard to get by.

I never dream in my life as far as I know. At an early age I know that my life will not be a bed of roses. i know I will have a hard time dealing with life. Smiles and laughs for me were for a moment of time. They never last, they're often forgotten. But I do remember the many times I have cried, though. I don't know but they never go away. Every feelings that came with the tears lingered. I can recall them as vividly as they happened 10, 20 years ago. The pain, the anger, the sadness that came with it. Life is hard! I know it by heart. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to deal with life until now. That everything that people see in me are all for front. No not that I may look tough but because I cannot show them the real me. I am afraid of my own weaknesses.

This time is not a good one for me. I know I have written this so many times when I am in pain, I cannot show it. When I am angry, I cannot show it. When I am sad, I cannot show it. When I am devastated, I cannot show it. Why? Because when I tried to, nobody listens, no one cared, nobody understands. Right now I am so sad, I am in so much pain, I am so nervous, and I am so scared.

I am alone and I am old and I am lonely.

Life is short, all these shall pass. One day, I will not be able to recall this piece of note. I will not even wonder what life is all about. I don't know my future, the time I'll go but I want to believe that time will be my rest and my joy. When realities and smiles and laughs and dreams will never leave me. When that time comes then I know that I am finally home.

MICHAEL JACKSON--THIS GENERATIONS' GREATEST ENTERTAINER!

Yes the King of Pop has gone to another stage to perform.
MICHAEL JACKSON is dead.
His name will be just like Elvis Prestley, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe was to me for the next generations.
Elvis , James, Marilyn was all name to me always being brought into topic by my mom and her generation when entertainers were our topic of conversation.

Yes, mom was a great fan of Elvis. A huge one. She's got a picture of Elvis. Not just an ordinary 3R picture or a poster that we buy in bookstore of sidewalks but a studio portrait. Really nice one.

Elvis , James, Marilyn have gone before our time but as if they never left. Their music, their movies, their scandals was over and over being told.

Now Michael Jackson , my generations King of Pop.
For the next generations I will be their story teller just what mom was to her idol.
I will be the one to tell who he was, what was his life and what he did for music.

As different tributes were being given to Jacko by different shows and his songs were being played I find it too amazing that he's got a lot of great songs. I thought i just like this song and then another one is played and I'll say oh I love that one. This is just so crazy that truly he is today's greatest entertainer. My generations King of Pop. My generations Greatest Entertainer gone too soon but surely will live for the next many generations to come.

Goodbye King Michael.

A NOTE TO GOD

Think as a child that was just spanked by your parents.
I have a few of those in my childhood.
I locked myself in my room. Cried myself to sleep.
Have a handy notebook just a reach from me. Tucked on it was a cheap ballpoint pen I bought in packed of three. I usually used the black inked.
I scribbled something. A line or two of what I feel at that moment. Stop. No this is not it. Turn to another page of the notebook. Start again.
What do I write? Thinking hard. Was I hurt that I was reprimanded? What was it that I was so devastated? Was it just physical or my ego or my spirit?
Everytime I asked that because not only as a child did I get spanked...Even now that I am older, much older I have this feeling of being reprimanded. Of being not worthy. Of not being loved. Of not being understood. Of being different at times.
I am different. So are you to others and to me. I have already learned that but why is it still so painfully to adjust and to accept.
Then I continue with my writing.
I wrote Dear God. Why? I don't know but always and the same I start with those words.
First it felt so right. Then somehow I know there will have to be an answer. That He will reply.
Then I said I am sorry. Now my eyes are with tears.
Then put everything from what started my sadness. To asking how to cope with it. To begging for help that my soul will be saved from farther hurt. I also wrote some compromises with God when I was too low of spirit. Then realizing God needs no compromises from us just faith.
I am struggling with my words, with my emotions, with my faith all at the same tiime. I like God to believe that I fully understand the way of life I am into forgetting that He was the one who made me. Knew the counts of hair...
I write to God everything I want to say and more.
Believing in my heart that He is the only one who knew me by heart. My struggles. My fears. My worries. My downs. My victories. My happiness. My all.
Then now I can put my pen down. Close my notebook. Put it where I can reach it at my whim. Re-read posts when I need some comforts.
Another one of my note to God finished and delivered.

KRIS ALLEN- AMERICAN IDOL 2009

Kris Allen New American Idol!

That was every newspapers headline in the US I assumed..

And I was happy.

When top 13 was chosen my two top faves were Kris Allen and Matt Giraud. Obviously I was 50% accurate. Yey.

Now picking top 2. The last three standing were Danny, Adam and Kris. I just don't know but I got excited when Kris was named as one of the final two a week before the finale night. Not that I was shocked because I knew Kris must be one of the final two as early as top 13 was chosen.

My story of American Idol was when I thought everyone was for Adam except me I know in my heart Kris is a sure winner. I was not at all nervous when Ryan was about to announce the winner. I just know Kris is it!

It's very obvious in this American Idol season that its judges from the start already have their eyes on somebody to win the title. Danny Gokey is their early favorite while Adam was their from behind fave. Kris for some reason was not getting an enthusiastic comment from the judges even when he is so good. The judges comment were confine in "being dark horse", "artistic", "ok", "that was a good performance" minus the enthusiasm given to other contenders while to others were comments like "your god", "superstar" and of course with much gusto. Ouch. And who was the judge that showed favoritism at its baddest....Paula Abdul! Just watch if you can, past episodes and you'll see what I mean.

Some people have this comment that Kris is mediocre. I don't think so. He just knows what kind of music he is good at. Never compromising just others will like him. And I must say he is not only into one kind of music. He can do rnb. He can sing middle of the road kind of song. Accoustic definetely! And this is just what made him truly one great artist in the making.

Happy that Kris won.
Excited for Kris debut album.
Waiting anxiously for Kris first music award as a professional singer.
Just going crazy over Kris' arrival!

GETTING INTO SHAPE THROUGH RETRO DANCING

One of activities in the gym that I love participating in is RETRO class. I do not dance very well and I am shy but I love this activity. I always look forward to Thursday because it is Retro day. I am so addicted to it since trying it a year ago. I have downloaded most of the music that we used, the newer ones I have not have the time yet to do downloading.

Love the Larusso song. Easy dance step. hahaha. The Karma chameleon of Culture Club, PYT and Rock with you of MJ, Sonia's Listen to my Heart and You'll never stop me from Loving You, EWF'S Let's Groove Tonight, Stop of Spice Girls, Can't Help Myself are just few of my favorites. They are my fave because I memorize the steps to this dance tune. Hehehe.

ROAST BEEF at Pancake House

After hitting the gym we passed by Pancake House and together with my companion decided to eat here. She ordered Tapa meal, while I chose Roast beef meal. In it were roast beef, rice, salad (which I love. The dressing was so good.), buttered corn and carrots, and a glass of iced tea.

As you can see the plate was full of foodie. I did not like the gravy of my roast beef. Sorry but gravy is the thing that makes a roast beef a "roast beef". The beef was not that soft even when it is so thinly sliced. As I said I love the salad on the plate. I don't know my hunger just was not satisfied by this meal even if its a full meal. I was expecting more in terms of taste because it is a pricey meal.

I still will try their other food on the menu though especially their pancakes. I tried one this morning though, the banana walnut.

ULTRA CINEMA AT EASTWOOD MALL

Going to Eastwood is an effort for me to visit. Why? We live so far from the place. With all the traffics I have to get through just to get there make me just want to say at home or go to a much near mall. But today is different Richard Poon will have a free show and I want to watch. From the gym, I decided to go to Eastwood and lucky I am no traffic. It was 5 pm!

Once at Eastwood and after parking decided to stroll first. The last time I was here was months ago. Get into the old mall. Lost in the cinema floor where I saw the Ultra cinema mural(is that what its called?). Knowing is the featured movie. I want to watch that movie. I ask the ticket teller for a ticket to Knowing for the Ultra cinema. But lo and behold the cinema is located in the new eastwood mall.. So we went there its just across so no problem. Ask how much for an Ultra cinema ticket. ₱702.00 for 2 tickets because seats are for couples. Reclining seats, whoa. And for unlimited popcorn and beverage. Not a bad price. So yes I did watch with a cousin. Love this theater. So relaxing. It helps also that the movie is great.

After the movie it was late and Richard Poon who is suppose to be performing by this time is nowhere. So the very reason I was at Eastwood I did not see. Huhuhu. But the cinema and Knowing did not made my trip to eastwood a trash. It actually made my day.

Haven't tried Eastwood Ultra cinema? Try it now while Knowing is showing. You'll certainly get your money's worth.

Have some fun before Holy week hit us.