Seeing Death As It Comes..

I never thought that I will be seeing death this close to my heart as I saw it last April 4,2010. A sunday, a celebration for catholics, this year it was easter sunday. I am a Christian I don't practice traditions that catholics do, but this is not what I am writing about.
Death is a topic that I am not interested in. I am not afraid to die but I don't know why I am afraid, even in thoughts when it is someone from the family. I never knew anyone from the family who died young except for my unborn niece and nephew who died after a few hours of life until that gloomy sunday.
We have been in the hospital for a month already. I celebrated my birthday in the hospital. Every single day of that one month we were at the hospital. We know it was coming, we just don't know exactly when. Ok, my brother has cancer. Started as colon cancer but already mestatized to his kidney. Unoperable. He does not want chemotherapy anymore. He wanted comfort only while waiting for the end. The first time I heard of his not wanting to do anything anymore was the first time I went with him while his neurologist was asking him of what his plans were. The doctor already seen his latest ct scan and saw that he was a terminal case. I can hear him while he was talking to their teams head. He asked my brother, older brother what he wanted when the time comes that he will need reviving. It broke my heart when he said no more. DNR was what he wanted. Do Not Resuscitate. Many more times he visited his doctors, I will be there but never did I come again inside the clinics while they were discussing things.
March 4,2010 the last time he will be admitted to the hospital. I never thought that this will be the last place he'll get to see before he goes. First few days were okay. He can still eat, talk with us, watch television, answers questions from the nurses and doctors when they see him. I am not sure now when it started that he got irritated easily because of noise. But I know his concern was the pain he was experiencing. He was getting higher dosage of pain reliever in his PCA but when you ask him it was not enough. Pain level still reaches to 10 even with morphine. Then one day he could no longer eat, he could no longer sleep, he could no longer walk to go to the bathroom, he is disillusional, he was acting weird. The last two were because of morphine. Then he was given something so he can sleep because it was three days of him not sleeping. After 2 days he slept. When he woke up he was ok again but after a day he was restless again. He can't sleep again. Gave him higher dosage of morphine because of the pain. He went to being agitated again. We chose that than seeing him in pain. Let him be acting weird. But then he started to throw up green liquids. He doesn't pass urine anymore. Meaning his body organs are shuttling down one by one. But he can't go yet that I can see. We still have our sister and her family in the US. My brother was in the states for 26 years he just came home last September 2009. We know that he wants to see her for the last time. Our sister will be arriving April 4, 6 a.m. The day before they come my brother seems to be showing all signs of going already. I don't know why a dying person seems to feel dirt all over them. He wants to take a bath because he says he was so dirty. I heard him say to one of his son "say goodbye, its ok." This one made me cry. And then he said " let's go the operating room is ok" but we have to say "no let's wait for ate(older sister to us pinoys). And he'll say "ok" but we can see that he was so tired already. He was not winking, not sleeping. He was just looking no where. We've been trying to talk to him even if sometimes he can understand us and sometimes not. His breathing was getting heavier.
The day my sister and her family arrived. Late arrival but they were at the hospital at 8 a.m. Of course when my sister saw our brother's condition she could not help but cry. Talk for a while. i hope he did understand those last moments. At 11 a.m. he went after some saliva got out of his mouth then a tear fell, he breath his last and went away. He was 46. Young for us but ready and ripe to be with God.
Sad day but then again now he is free of pain. He now belongs to our Lord. Maybe God has some works for him ready in His' house.
Goodbye Kuya. Rest in peace with our Lord. We'll miss you.