A NOTE TO GOD

Think as a child that was just spanked by your parents.
I have a few of those in my childhood.
I locked myself in my room. Cried myself to sleep.
Have a handy notebook just a reach from me. Tucked on it was a cheap ballpoint pen I bought in packed of three. I usually used the black inked.
I scribbled something. A line or two of what I feel at that moment. Stop. No this is not it. Turn to another page of the notebook. Start again.
What do I write? Thinking hard. Was I hurt that I was reprimanded? What was it that I was so devastated? Was it just physical or my ego or my spirit?
Everytime I asked that because not only as a child did I get spanked...Even now that I am older, much older I have this feeling of being reprimanded. Of being not worthy. Of not being loved. Of not being understood. Of being different at times.
I am different. So are you to others and to me. I have already learned that but why is it still so painfully to adjust and to accept.
Then I continue with my writing.
I wrote Dear God. Why? I don't know but always and the same I start with those words.
First it felt so right. Then somehow I know there will have to be an answer. That He will reply.
Then I said I am sorry. Now my eyes are with tears.
Then put everything from what started my sadness. To asking how to cope with it. To begging for help that my soul will be saved from farther hurt. I also wrote some compromises with God when I was too low of spirit. Then realizing God needs no compromises from us just faith.
I am struggling with my words, with my emotions, with my faith all at the same tiime. I like God to believe that I fully understand the way of life I am into forgetting that He was the one who made me. Knew the counts of hair...
I write to God everything I want to say and more.
Believing in my heart that He is the only one who knew me by heart. My struggles. My fears. My worries. My downs. My victories. My happiness. My all.
Then now I can put my pen down. Close my notebook. Put it where I can reach it at my whim. Re-read posts when I need some comforts.
Another one of my note to God finished and delivered.